Stop Playing Defensive Chess: Why Pleasing Yourself First is the Ultimate Strategic Move

In the intricate geometry of a chessboard, there is a fundamental rule that every beginner learns but few truly internalize: You cannot protect every piece at the same time. If you spend the entire game reacting to your opponent’s threats, moving your pieces solely to prevent them from being captured, you will eventually find yourself paralyzed. You lose the initiative, your position collapses, and you realize you’ve been playing your opponent's game instead of your own.

Life operates on a similar rank and file. When we live to please others—seeking their approval like a desperate gambit for acceptance—we are essentially playing "defensive chess" with our souls. We move our bishops and knights not toward our own goals, but toward where we think others want them to be. We sacrifice our "Queens"—our time, our passion, and our integrity—just to keep the peace or earn a nod of validation.

The result is always the same: resentment. In chess, if you make moves just to appease a coach or an audience, you lose the joy of the craft. In life, if you please others at the expense of yourself, you lose your identity.

The Trap of the Passive Opening

When we prioritize the approval of others, we are playing a "passive opening." We wait to see what others want before we decide who we are. We say "yes" to social engagements we dread, we take career paths that sound prestigious to our parents, and we silence our own opinions to avoid friction.

Consider the "Zugzwang"—a position in chess where every move you make worsens your situation. When you live for approval, you enter a psychological Zugzwang. If you say "yes," you feel exploited and exhausted. If you say "no," you feel consumed by guilt and fear of rejection. You are trapped not by the external world, but by the rules you’ve allowed others to set for your own board.

In the short term, this feels safe. It’s like hiding your King behind a wall of pawns. But the "Short-term Gain, Long-term Pain" rule of chess applies here. By seeking external validation, you are handing the "clock" to someone else. You are letting them dictate the tempo of your life. Eventually, the weight of these forced moves becomes a burden. You look at your life’s board and realize you don’t recognize the position. You are surrounded by people who "accept" a version of you that doesn’t actually exist.

Pleasing Yourself: The "Center Control" of Life

In chess, the most important strategic principle is controlling the center. If you control the center, you have the flexibility to move in any direction. Pleasing yourself first is the psychological equivalent of occupying the critical squares.

Pleasing yourself isn't about being a "selfish" player who refuses to cooperate. It’s about sovereignty. When you prioritize your own needs, values, and joy, you are establishing a strong center. You are saying, "I am the primary architect of this game."

When you operate from a place of self-satisfaction, your generosity toward others becomes a conscious choice rather than a forced sacrifice. On a chessboard, a "sacrifice" is only brilliant if it’s intentional and leads to a greater goal—like a Queen sacrifice that leads to an inevitable checkmate. If you give to others because you want to—because you have an abundance of energy and love—it is a brilliant tactical move. If you give because you feel guilty or need their praise, it’s just a "blunder" that leaves your defenses wide open.

The Resentment Gambit

In chess, a "gambit" is an opening where you give up a pawn to gain an advantage in development. However, many of us play the "Resentment Gambit" in our relationships. We give up our time, our energy, and our preferences, hoping to gain the "advantage" of being liked.

The problem? There is no checkmate. The more you give to buy approval, the more people expect you to give. You begin to look at the people you love as "opponents" who are taking your pieces. You feel bitter when they don't notice your sacrifice, forgetting that they never asked for it in the first place—they simply accepted what you offered.

By pleasing yourself first, you stop the bleeding. You stop trading your happiness for the possibility of a smile from someone else. You realize that a game played with a bitter heart is a game already lost.

Choosing the Initiative

To "please yourself first" means reclaiming the initiative. It means asking, "If no one was watching this game, what move would I make?"

• Stop Playing for the Gallery: A Grandmaster doesn't care if the crowd thinks a move looks boring; they care if the move is right for their position. Stop worrying about the "optics" of your life.

• Evaluate Your Resources: You only have a certain amount of "mental material." Don't spend it all defending someone else's ego or attending "tournaments" (events) you never signed up for.

• Identify Your "King": In life, your King is your peace of mind. Every other piece—your job, your hobbies, your social life—should function to support that peace. If you sacrifice your peace to save a "pawn" (a minor social obligation), your strategy is flawed.

• Play with Authenticity: The most beautiful games of chess are those where a player’s unique style shines through. Your life becomes a masterpiece only when you stop mimicking the "book moves" of societal expectations.

The End Game: Authenticity over Approval

Ultimately, if you lose a game of chess because you played the way you wanted to, you can still walk away with your head high. You learned something about yourself. But if you lose because you were trying to please someone else, the defeat tastes like ash.

When you please yourself first, you are not saying "I don't care about you." You are saying "I care enough about our relationship to show up as my true self." This prevents the "End Game" of burnout, where you have nothing left to give and no desire to play.

By prioritizing your own center, you ensure that you stay in the game for the long haul. You become a person who gives from a full cup, whose kindness is a gift, not a transaction for approval. You become, finally, the Grandmaster of your own board.